By Tiffany Markman, copywriter, editor and mom to a five-year-old chatterbox, who tries to balance her workaholism with cuddles, books, caffeine & reining in her intrinsic kugelry. Follow her on twitter.
Let me set the scene for you. We sit in a darkened theatre. Before us: a lush red curtain, quivering slightly – as if in anticipation. Above us: dramatic lighting, darkening slowly to alert the waiting audience to coming thrills. Beneath us: slightly sticky floors and fallen popcorn: the output of hundreds of excited children, about to watch Aladdin and Jasmine and the Genie dart to life before their very eyes.
Behind us? A small blonde child. About five years old. With a piercing voice. Not a whisper. Not an ‘inside’ voice. Not even an ‘outside’ voice, actually. She has a shrill and unapologetic yelp. And she uses it to ask questions roughly every 45 seconds, right from the opening of those lush red drapes to the final curtain call
“Mommy, why’s that man so tall?”
“Mommy, what’s Jasmine doing?”
“How come he’s lying down, mommy?”
“Why’s Aladdin going to jail, mom?”
“Mom, I’m scared.”
“Mommy, is that a parrot or a person?”
“Is that popcorn? Can I have some?”
“Why’s she wearing a wedding dress?”
Now, I get that kids have questions. My own kid is a questioner. But I have two LARGE problems with the little Blondie – and, more specifically, her mother.
The first problem is that Blondie has no sense whatsoever of other people, nor of how to moderate her voice in a public place where others are listening intently.
It’s a children’s show, yes, and so various other children are asking questions, or coughing, or sneezing, or crying, or laughing. But they’re doing so at an appropriate volume, given the context. And when they do get a bit too loud – here’s the critical bit – their parents lean over and shush them. Because: IT’S A THEATRE.
My second, bigger, problem with Blondie is her mother. Who answered every single inane question, in detail and at length, in an ‘outside’ voice. A shrill, unapologetic, no-holds-barred voice that carried theatre-wide. Every 45 seconds for 90 minutes.
I wanted to klap her.
So, here’s my point:
Yes, children should be allowed to be children. Noisy, shrieky, messy, crazy. That’s what playgrounds and gardens and parks are for. And if you’re a free-range mommy (I’m a sort of kugel-free range hybrid), that may even be what your own home is for.
But there are also places where children should behave like civilised human beings. Who speak at an appropriate volume, refrain from spreading their schmutz all over the place (as far as possible), say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and respect others.
These include restaurants (yes, even the ones that are ‘kid-friendly’), shops, cinemas, public transport, theatres, and other spaces frequented by non-children.
I read with horror the litany of misdemeanors carried out by the youthful patrons of Randburg’s Blandford Manor, leading its owners to ban kids under 15. These include: “emptying salt and pepper cellars; breaking all the sugar tubes; chasing/scaring ducks, rabbits and wild birds; peeping into the Spa when clients were having treatments; and…being rude”. There was an outcry, not at the kids’ behaviour, but at Blandford’s decision. Me? If my kid carried on like this, I’d sell her.
The point at which I realised that Blondie and her mom deserved a bitchy blog post came just after interval, when Blondie’s mom hauled out her large iPhone 6+, complete with brightly lit screen, and tapped on it til the end of the play – illuminating half the room and some of Braamfontein. Some people should just stay at home.
Note: If you’re five and you don’t know to whisper in a theatre – or your mom isn’t trying to teach you that valuable lesson – good luck with life, you entitled troglodyte.
Now that I’ve had my rant and feel better, I’d like your thoughts. Am I being unreasonable? Or is there a time and a place where different rules should apply?
Click here to find a list of companies that run parenting workshops to help us with issues like these.
Note: If you enjoyed this article, subscribe to the uniquely detailed free weekly newsletter for parents in Gauteng – Jozikids – or KwaZulu-Natal – Kznkids
I agree with you 100% per cent.However a lot of theses values should be taught to a child at their pre-school/school.As a pre- school owner we teach our children manners,respect and decorum when in company of others or on excursions.A lot of this is undone by parents who do not apply the same principles in their homes.
I would have totally lost my sense of humour. I teach my kids to be aware and have respect. I don’t know how you stayed so calm.
Hi there, I am the owner and founder of Kinder Theatre in Emmarentia, presenting Theatre for 3year olds. the Theatre is tiny – 43 seats. The shows are often interactive, so children have plenty of opportunity to say something, to ‘let out’. but still there are sometimes children who do not stick to that rule, or can not sit still, or lose concentration after 10 minutes. Most parents are very understanding and willing to ‘manage’ their child, others are ‘gross’ as in real life. the nice thing about little Kinder Theatre is – it is ‘self correcting’ because it is so intimate, you see immediately who the culprit is and parents actually have to do something. Me as an outspoken, opinionated person I can only say we often look away instead of simply saying ‘shosh’ to the disturbing child, because we are so in love with our princes and princesses instead of remembering to teach them – at home as well, not only at school.
As a grandmother of 5 lively children, I totally agree that children need to accommodate other people in their world. I truly believe a child needs some firm boundaries to feel secure and that having tantrums in public spaces, talking too loudly during a play or movie etc is unacceptable. How about a chat in the car en route to the theatre explaining that unlike at home, in a public space, other people want to hear and the actors will find it hard to remember their words if somebody is talking too loudly? Sadly we feel embarrassed at suggesting to the selfish Mum that she and Blondie may consider being quiet. Hopefully she may read your well written article and realise how rude she and her daughter were.
I’m with you both 100%!! Time and place. I’m all for children being children – expressing themselves, shrieking with delight, exploring and experiencing. There is, however, a very definitive line between being playful as a child and inappropriate behaviour. I personally believe it starts with conscious parenting. Definitely pre-schooling and being reinforced at home. I recently witnessed obnoxious “brats” (aged 8/9) taking over Melrose Arch, playing soccer in the entire square, very noisily, at night. Would have preferred a quieter evening in this upmarket mall. I believe indoor soccer or other restaurants would have been more suitable for a birthday, especially for boys. It saddened me to witness them being nasty to one child, of a different shade, excluding him from joining in, threatening him “to be scared”. I witnessed the encounter. I was not taking on “those” parents. I can bet that if a group of children, same age, same scenario had been from a different “tribe”, they would have been frowned upon, silenced by “those” parents. I wanted to “rant” … thanks for this opportunity. I’m clear. Time and place. “My children” have never torn a place to pieces. None of us would tolerate that behaviour. Recently hosted 20 children aged 3-6 in a 5 star property. Perfection. It’s about the adults. And cells. Beware the troglodytes and moms as they get older. Heads buried.
I completely hate this article and Im so glad that it was not my ‘blondie’ sitting behind you while you wanted to clap me for having an inquisitive child who is intellectual enough to ask me so many questions, as I would have loved to clap you back. If you dont like to hear children speak and have extremely loving and patient parents to answer back then hire a sitter and go to an adults night out. Children grow extremely fast, in a blink of an eye. They should never be expected to ‘not be kids in public places’ perhaps you will learn that when your 4 year old ‘blondie’ or ‘brownie’ is older and you realise how fast thier little lives go by there could have have been more opportunists for them to speak, ask questions, get answers, be children for just a little longer.
I’m sorry Michelle, but I’m equally glad I wasn’t sitting in front of you and your child. Let’s agree to disagree, shall we? The world is (hopefully) big enough for both of us.
I think one of the biggest parenting challenges is figuring out where the boundaries begin and end. I absolutely agree that learning appropriate behaviour in public is an essential boundary
Dear Michelle: It’s really great to have inquisitive children who ask questions and want to know more. It’s also great if the parents are loving and patient enough to answer the questions rather than saying ” I’m busy” or “I don’t have the time” or “Now you made me get eaten on my phone game, just go away.”
It’s also great if the parents have taught their kids about time and place and that we don’t always get to do whatever we want to do whenever we want to do it.
It’s quite sad if the loving parent is teaching their child that he/she is more equal than the other kids who have come out to enjoy the show.
I don’t want to wander off the topic but I would hope that there isn’t a suggestion that the other kids who aren’t continually disturbing the performance are just intellectually sub-standard.
Bravo! I have two very talkative children who have learnt to ask questions quietly or just not at all! Children’s theatre is wonderful and I love that we have some companies who are aimed at our kids and encourage a love for the magic of live performance.
I hope to take my little ballerina to see a ballet this year, I think she just might manage to keep her little derriere on a seat and not be dancing up and down the aisle. As I am sensitive to the fact that she may be overly excited and it may just bubble out and spill over onto anyone sitting close enough to us, I will book seats that are in the back or in the balcony. 🙂
I completely agree with you. I do believe it is the parents that need to teach children how to behave in public for if not them how do we expect the child to know. Bend the branch while still young has many true aspects to it, one is to respect others and behave in public. In fact speak when you are spoken to and do not part take in adult conversations another important lesson to be taught. Very concerning to hear that only only did the mother try to change this in appropriate behaviour she encouraged it by her loud mouth answers ignoring all other patrons who paid good money to be there. Disrespectful and Selfish to say the least. We can only hope that other mums and dad learn from this fantastic blog and realise that it is there responsibility as parents to teach children right from wrong. It all starts at home…come on people make the world a better place and start with your kids!
I have a three year old and I too try to teach her to keep her voice down in places where it is inappropriate to be loud – it is good to consider others – but hey – she is only three and she is still learning how to think of other people’s feelings while she is still busy coming to grips with her own.
However, when we start getting upset with other people’s behavior then it might serve us well to remember that we cannot blame other people (or their behavior) for how WE feel about it. There is something inside US that causes US to react with feelings of aggravation or anger in such a situation as you experienced. Perhaps your mom or dad did something or said something to you as a child when you were the one being loud that left you with some unhappy feeling (perhaps anger?) and that now you get upset when someone else is allowed to behave like this, or allows their child to behave like this (because it is unfair, right?). It is very likely and possible that the buried old feeling is brought up from the unconsciousness into the consciousness; triggered by the event.
There is nothing wrong in feeling angry, but maybe the best solution is not to consider trying to change your circumstances, but rather to change yourself so that your circumstances do not affect you in such an adverse manner. You would then find it easy to self-regulate your emotions and when you find yourself calm, you would be able to ask the person behind you to be a little more considerate – from a place of love (not demand from a place of anger) – and if they do not reciprocate your kind request – then it will still be okay.
Kids are kids – live and let live – and after it all, it is just a Theatre, no one will be scarred for life either way.
I’ll say it again – it’s about time and place and I would add a third one called self-control.
It may well be that there is long-lost anger from some earlier event which causes quiet Parent A to get annoyed with noisy Parent B instead of just chilling and letting and live live.
Maybe it is Parent B that has long-lost issues about being shouted at as a child and is now going to be their childs hero by showing their child how to not care about what anybody else has to say.
We don’t know the answers or the personal circumstances but a public venue where a group of people have arrived for a particular purpose i.e a theatre to watch a performance or maybe a library to read, is not the place to be thrashing these long-lost issues out.
I agree with you that kids are kids and a 3 year old is a 3 year old and we wouldn’t expect all of them to intuitively have a sense of time and place and to know what the appropriate behaviour is.
That’s where we big people enter the picture – we teach and guide them or we at least try to!
We say “This is a library where we come to read and we talk or whisper softly so as not to disturb other people” or “This is a rugby game where we make as much noise as possible but try not to hit anybody” – time and place.
Childrens theatre is a mixture. The performers would like the kids to be interactive and talkative at the appropriate times and preferably to be quieter while they are delivering their lines so that the audience can follow the story.
Responding to others from a place of calmness rather than anger is definitely a far better option where possible, even if it is convey to another grownup that you are annoyed about them disturbing your own childs experience at the theatre.
How do we decide what is and what isn’t the ‘correct way to behave at or in a particular time or place ?
Long , long ago in a 1st year Legal Theory university course, the opening question was “Where does law come from?” and the answer turned out to be that it represented the “norms and mores of society”, in other words what most people feel is the right thing to do.
Why do we have wars ? i.e why do parents start slugging it out ? Because we have different “right ways to do things”!
While it is ‘nice’ to be ‘nice’ to people and work from a position of calmness, when you’ve stood in front of a primary school class where half of the kids don’t understand why they can’t just talk whenever they want to as they have been taught by their parents, you might begin to understand the importance of not simply living and let live.
Does anybody get scarred for life ?
I look at some of the carnage on our roads and wonder at what age the driver first started to learn that nobody else is important and neither are the left or right hand sides of the roadway.